Back in the day when proper milk was put on proper concrete / brick door-steps (not these daft ones that try and look like part of some magnificent palace) by proper milk-men (who wore white coats and running shoes moving with the grace and speed that would embarrass a ninja), tea was something beyond dreams: something which people would put above their children, marriages, and funerals that weren’t for a particularly close friend but someone they quite liked but not that much. Nowadays tea is loosing out and it is tragic. Milk is obviously to blame, as well as human-beings’ bizarre ability to forget the best customary things—where are battered Mars bars now?!—and replace these things with new-fangled things that seem like a good idea, but are actually horrendous for the body and the environment. Brilliant. The world is in dire straits and who will bring us out of it?

Tea is what! Tea will bring us out of it. But we need YOUR help. Just like the infamous Rubik’s Cube brought some foreign-land—Google it, I don’t have time—out of a recession, Tea could be it! It could be responsible for turning our world around. But to stress a point, you’ll need to get behind me people. I drink ten to seventeen cups a day but without actually killing myself—it really is dangerous to, my doctor says so—I can’t do any more. If you drink the same then the effect might be enough, so don’t forget it. Pass the word around: and the word is actually two, of course. It’s DRINK TEA!

My alternative, if the people do not get behind me, is to start a door-to-door campaign. So don’t make me do it, because I will. If I have to, driving around the world with a kettle and mugs is something I WILL DO!